This is not for the cuckold couples!
We have just had an experience where we advised a married woman on this site that we don't play with married or attached people who were cheating on their partner.
Apart from the tirade of abuse and threats we received from her, her bottom line was that it wasn't anyone's business whether she had her husbands approval or not!
Our thoughts being that as prospective playmate(s) it most certainly is our business.
Your thoughts please.
We have a rule that we don't play with people who are cheating. We believe swinging requires a level of honesty between all parties and if one is not honest with their partner how can we trust that they are being honest with us.
We dont play with cheaters either; but we do play with singles who are married/attached if we hear from the other half of the relationship, sometimes there are good reasons for whats going on and it shows its a good relationship on their part.
Our professional lives would not be well served if we got caught up in that kind of situation going wrong.
When we first got into swinging we were lucky enough to meet an experienced couple who gave us what we thought was immoral and odd advice.
Always play with married men cheating on their partners. Their reasoning behind this is a married man is less likely to become a "stalker". They had had a bad experience with a single guy in a MMF situation where the guy became a bit to attached to them and ended up having to get some "heavies" to scare him away after been stalked by him for 12 months, and yes, they met him on KS. Their experience was you're less likely to get this from a married man / woman who has a lot more to lose if their partner was to find out what they are up to.
We have also had an issue with a young single guy we met on here constantly texting my wife and showing up outside her gym when he knew she was going to be there. I ended up having to have a "man to man" chat with him.
If someone wants to cheat on their partner, that's their business. We are not going to judge them on it. But hey, this is just our experience.
That is an interesting perspective, and there is some valid reasoning behind it.
Because of their "position" they are unlikely to run off and tell their mates or cause any issues for fear of their partner finding out.
All quite true.
From our perspective, we prefer people with the same honesty and openness with their partner.
If the partner knows and is ok with it, then fine.
We need to know and trust that each other is not shopping/looking for another.
We could not be a part of this lifestyle if we were lyeing to each other.
If, an unknowing partner were to find out, we would not want to be blamed or implicated.
After all it was their choice to deceive or hide this from the partner, not ours.
The reality is that very often the innocent persons (couple) will be blamed for the cheating, not the one who cheated.
Unfortunately we have seen this in reality, the result was not nice for anyone.
With the freedom that swinging can bring, comes personal choice.
An open question swinging couples;
As a couple who swing together, how would you feel, if your partner started playing alone and did not tell you?
How would you react?
How do you know your "single" playmates are single? Chances are cheaters won't tell you that they are cheating. Unless you are going back to their place and looking through their draws you're not going to know. Or do you have a "cheatometer"?
I'm sure I'd have more luck meeting prospective playmates if I had a single male profile with no mention of my wife. Declaring myself married but playing solo I feel I'm instantly discounted out of the assumption that I must be cheating. Being a reasonably private person doesn't help my cause either mind you. Only one couple in two years has asked for my wife to contact them which she did.
Again, how do you know if your single playmate is a cheat or not? Unless they admit it but why would they? Lying is no hardship for a cheat and to publicise their situation is only likely to alienate prospective playmates. Are you going to delve deeply into their private life for your piece of mind? It's not hard for a cheat to hide the truth from someone who they only interact with on a limited basis.
I know of one cheat who went on long dirty weekends with a playmate. She told her husband one was a work conference and another was a girls weekend. Three hour sessions at the "gym" twice a week. Sometimes she actually goes to the gym. (No I was not the playmate or her)
We would like to think that honesty can be given freely when we ask for trust but the sad truth is when there is something to gain or to loose the truth is often the first casualty.
[quote:658b355161="amanymphos"]Again, how do you know if your single playmate is a cheat or not? Unless they admit it but why would they? Lying is no hardship for a cheat and to publicise their situation is only likely to alienate prospective playmates. Are you going to delve deeply into their private life for your piece of mind? It's not hard for a cheat to hide the truth from someone who they only interact with on a limited basis.
I know of one cheat who went on long dirty weekends with a playmate. She told her husband one was a work conference and another was a girls weekend. Three hour sessions at the "gym" twice a week. Sometimes she actually goes to the gym. (No I was not the playmate or her)
We would like to think that honesty can be given freely when we ask for trust but the sad truth is when there is something to gain or to loose the truth is often the first casualty.[/quote:658b355161]
We must have a great 6th sense/common snese then because we can usually get a feel for the situation after the first email contact, we found some giveaway statements seem to be:
I cant host (at all)
I can only play daytimes (between 8 and 3) and definitely not weekends
I cant travel far from town
We have also found having a statement on our profile seems to help deter cheaters from contacting us in the first place.
An interesting discussion. As the "cheater" here, here are my thoughts.
I completely and utterly agree that it is your business to know the marital status or otherwise of the people you're sleeping with. Who you do and don't sleep with is entirely up to you, and you alone. If you're not comfortable with playing with someone else's spouse without their knowledge, absolutely nobody has a right to abuse you for that, or any other choice you make in your sex life.
Personally, I'm always open and honest with prospective playmates about my marital status and the fact that my wife does not know that I'm here. I believe that it is morally wrong (ha! a guy who's cheating is talking about morals! how ironic! right?!) for me to engage with another person/people without them having this full disclosure. Not doing so amounts to deception in my eyes, and intentionally deceiving people in to having sex with you is not a path any of us should be going down.
Anyway. That's my two cents.
there was no deception i did not deceive them, i just did not get asked my situation . It was only when this couple mentioned the name of my daughter on this site and of my partner because we live in the same town that this got messy, The abuse didnt exist only that they named a child.
as we all know if you choose not to like something or disapprove then you stay away, I did not intentionally deceive them, but then got abused for being on here because they know my family,
oh what a wicked web we weave, and who are any of us to judge, there is always two sides to a story,
do not ever involve any one by using there name on here would be a unsaid rule for all those who are here with concern for what we do the sanctity of this for what they do may be seen in the eyes of others out there as wrong as what it is i am supposed to have done,
enough said i want NO more of this
.
So you played with a woman who was married?
Did you ask her relationship situation first?
Ever mentioning/releasing someones real name in public is an un-written rule, and should not be broken.
Involving family, friends or acquaintances, it so far out of bounds....
If you are prepared to say something in public, it might as well be written on the front page of a news paper. And you should be prepared for the same to be done to you.
Its called karma.
This can be very destructive for all.
Unfortunately we have seen this happen before IRL, Names etc released... intentionally and directly to friends, relations, work colleagues.
We totally agree that everyone has the right to your personal relationship and situation (if you tell and/or have your partners permission) private,
but equally everyone has the right to use this as a criteria for choosing playmates.
As such asking the question(s) should receive an honest answer.
Than an informed decision can be made.
If you dont like the situation, dont go there.
Swinging is about freedom of choice.
Maybe they had a reason they were playing without hubbies knowledge etc. Perhaps he suffers from a lack of interest in sex or isnt able to have sex due to chronic illness or poor health. If she cant get it from hubby then she has to play with others does she not?
If the reason is valid, why not tell them?
Surely they would understand?
We dont care what standards or morals other have.
We dont care what they do or dont do.
Cheat on your partner or dont. Not our problem.
Involving us or trying to, becomes our problem.
We hear "valid" reasons for cheating all the time.
Might be true, might not be.
How could we know if we did not ask the partner?
2 years ago my wife and I were into the swinging scene big time. All went well till we met a "Bi-curious" married lady. Yes her husband knew she played!! Then when my wife ran off with this woman, suddenly we were dealing with a distraught husband....their children and ours...and by god it got messy!!!
They are now a "Gay couple" with both sets of kids!
Whatever the valid reason, the prospective partners have a right to know what they are dealing with so they can make an informed choice.
Hey sex is fun....you are so right!
Who are we to Judge?
Married and attached people if they wish to cheat will, and not all times will you know if they are cheating as they most likely will lie.
What ever reasons they choose to do it is theirs, we don't care if thats the road they wish to follow, but we do expect an honest answer if cheating or not.
We agree that honesty is highly important in swinging, how ever it is our opinion that we are not designed to be with only one partner sexually, and regardless of how people see that, we wouldn't all be swinging if there wasn't some truth to that would we?
We don't cheat, as we lead and honest and open relationship, but we both value the need to have sex with others and certainly value honesty in the relationship.
We feel sorry for the partners that are being lied to, but we are not here to be relationship counsellors, we accept any one with out deeming what they are doing is morally wrong, because who are we to judge, swinging is deemed morally wrong by society as well and I'm pretty sure 99% of people swinging don't tell their family, parents or friends, so in effect we lie as well and agree to a degree its morally wrong, not much diff from cheaters.
We all see marriage and relationships as only working with honesty, but it is truly naive for any partner to think the other won't look for ways to fill that sexual drive that we all share, if they intend on preventing the other from doing so.
For the fortunate few that are content with one sexual partner and happy to live their lives in monogamistic manner, i applaud them because we don't feel its natural at all.
Im pretty sure statistics on divorce pretty well sum that up.
Anyway thats our opinion, not shared by many in this thread, but nevertheless still only an opinion.
Who are we to Judge?
Married and attached people if they wish to cheat will, and not all times will you know if they are cheating as they most likely will lie.
What ever reasons they choose to do it is theirs, we don't care if thats the road they wish to follow, but we do expect an honest answer if cheating or not.
We agree that honesty is highly important in swinging, how ever it is our opinion that we are not designed to be with only one partner sexually, and regardless of how people see that, we wouldn't all be swinging if there wasn't some truth to that would we?
We don't cheat, as we lead and honest and open relationship, but we both value the need to have sex with others and certainly value honesty in the relationship.
We feel sorry for the partners that are being lied to, but we are not here to be relationship counsellors, we accept any one with out deeming what they are doing is morally wrong, because who are we to judge, swinging is deemed morally wrong by society as well and I'm pretty sure 99% of people swinging don't tell their family, parents or friends, so in effect we lie as well and agree to a degree its morally wrong, not much diff from cheaters.
We all see marriage and relationships as only working with honesty, but it is truly naive for any partner to think the other won't look for ways to fill that sexual drive that we all share, if they intend on preventing the other from doing so.
For the fortunate few that are content with one sexual partner and happy to live their lives in monogamistic manner, i applaud them because we don't feel its natural at all.
Im pretty sure statistics on divorce pretty well sum that up.
Anyway thats our opinion, not shared by many in this thread, but nevertheless still only an opinion.
[quote:0490fb7100="Mark1978"]2 years ago my wife and I were into the swinging scene big time. All went well till we met a "Bi-curious" married lady. Yes her husband knew she played!! Then when my wife ran off with this woman, suddenly we were dealing with a distraught husband....their children and ours...and by god it got messy!!!
They are now a "Gay couple" with both sets of kids!
Whatever the valid reason, the prospective partners have a right to know what they are dealing with so they can make an informed choice.
Hey sex is fun....you are so right![/quote:0490fb7100]
When is there a time that any relationship split is not messy?
Anytime kids are involved it is difficult, cheating or not.
Its safe to say that the love that holds a relationship together will overcome any lustfull thoughts of leaving for another, but for a partner to up and leave then it is unlikely the relationship was working to begin with.
We have met a lot of people who swing then split up, as they thought swinging could fix their failing relationship, so 9/10 times they used it to find new partners, maybe with out their own partners knowing thats what they were up to, but I'm pretty sure from past experiences with our own ex partners that if the relationship is lost it is inevitable for a split up.
It sounds corny, we know...but when you meet your 'soul mate' the idea of losing a partner to another is unrealistic, but we have a few basic rules with swinging, and they are when your gut says no listen to it, and if play mate gets emotionally attached or sends signals of such, then all contact is cut with them immediately.
Its a difficult one as everyone has their own set of moral standards. There is some irony in swingers standing in judgement over others, as for us we really don't care what others do as we are in no position to set ourselves up as the keepers of other peoples morality. Both myself and my partner cheated on our former partners so how can we now tell others how they should behave now?
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